Out and about I look like the happy-go-lucky gal that I have worked so hard to project myself out into the world. But to know me, and that means to know me very well, means knowing that like every one else, I have my struggles. I hadn't learned up until recently how tight my grip was on my past and that I had been using that as an excuse to not bloom myself into my future. I have allowed past grievances as well as the past memories of good times gone to hold me in a space of fear of my future. It's hard to conceptualize this in today's world because we are so busy being busy. Rarely do we take the time to snip the ribbon and send the past into the past like gift for our future.
I just finished listening to the audio book The Power Of Now By Echhart Tolle. I had read his book many years ago. At the time, I wasn't present enough to understand how important it is to understand that we have no control over time because it will pass regardless of our hold on it. There simply isn't anything we can do about it. What has happened has happened. The problem is that we live as if it's still occurring for us like a projector replaying the same scene over and over. If it was a traumatic experience, then we live as if we are in a perpetual state of PTSD. If it was a glorious state, we long for those moments to continue on missing out on how the experience affects us NOW while we stay in that moment. We do that when relationships end just wanting that person or experience to come back into the NOW to distract us from our true purpose.
That's big for me to understand. My PURPOSE. As it was all in a short period of time when I experienced the rug of life being pulled out from underneath my feet. Within a short period of years conglomerated together, I had closed a business, gone through a divorce, opened another business, over trained my body while preparing for marathon races, started to experience my body degenerate, and ultimately was too sick to work and had to shut down my business again. Among many other highly influential factors that go way back into my past, the key that kept me from healing properly was the fact that I was still living as if all of these things were still happening NOW. Even as I write this blog, I am writing now on a platform of my late business from the past. A business that I have absolutely no intention of continuing on. And when its time expires, so will this site.
I feel that it's time for me to let many things in my life expire. Holding on to the past is a disease in and of itself. It keeps us longing for our youth. It keeps us in a perpetual cycle of blame. And it keeps us from living a life that we were intended to live and gifted to us from God himself. It's easy to stay stuck. It's cozy,convenient, and comfortable. It's safe. But you can't get to the other side of the valley if you don't take the leap across the river. It's not even a risk. The risk is when you keep taking steps backwards and reliving the past as if it serves a purpose. I know this. You know this. And yet, our brains are wired in such a way to play it safe when there is absolutely no such thing.
Remove the safety net. Be present. Do whatever you have to do to get on with it. For me, it entails taking a good hard look at how I am behaving and reacting with others. And trust me, it hasn't been easy. Especially with all that has occurred for me these past 5 years, it's so easy to stay where I was. Blame. Hurt. Curse the past. But I'm 45 and I have suffered the consequences both physically and emotionally. I had given up so much to stay stuck and that is what the disease factor is. It's hard. I encourage all people to read The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Listen to Joe Dispenza. Connect with those who have the tools to not only get you through a book, but to arm you with the power of presence and passion for your future.
Take one day at a time. Nobody says it's easy but then again, it's a lot easier than forcing yourself back into the past which has already passed.