After owning and operating my own business, Internal Cleansing Center which later became Internal Cleansing & Healing Center, for over 15 years, I found that I had become one with my business and had identified myself as such. I had become obsessed with health, fitness, cleansing, and to be honest, living the overall perfect lifestyle. It started off back in 2004 when I finally had the opportunity to have something of my own. After years of struggling to find myself in the world and after even more years of struggling with chronic digestive health issues that I no longer could soothe through diet and supplements, I opted to go into the industry that could potentially take it all away. But it took away a lot more than just the physical digestive complaints, at least temporarily anyway. It took away, on an unaware level, some critical health components that ultimately lead me down a path of autoimmunity, digestive health issues that were on an even deeper level, and it truly started to affect my mind and body connection. Through years of cleansing my body and not optimizing my nutrition and seeking out the help necessary to repair the damage that had taken over my body due to extreme stress and trauma in my life, jumping from dietary theory to theory, and not getting to the bottom of what was really happening, I ultimately caused not just an imbalance in the microbiome of my gut, but had weakened my system so much that it lost the ability to function on its own literally leading me down a path of NEEDING to cleanse in order just to feel barely ok. I knew all along that what I was doing was wrong, but I felt it was my only answer and became completely and totally dependent on colon hydrotherapy, radical cleanses, extremely restrictive eating, expensive supplements, intense exercise programs, and medicinal products that were needed to just calm my mind down. None of which worked....... NONE OF WHICH WORKED AT ALL!!!!!!!
I feel the need to come out about this not because I'm one of those who wants to save the world. That's a big job. And yes, I do know that there are others out there who suffer with digestive and immune system health issues where they rely on medicine, treatments, cleanses, extreme diets, and any and everything else out there that doesn't actually reside within themselves. So the purpose of this and anything else that I may write in the future is to be clear that although cleansing and diet serve a purpose, there is a much bigger reason for the source of your problems whether they be physical or emotional and to rely on any one source outside of that is to deceive yourself and only do the work partially.
There are women all over the world, but in this country in particular, who are so disconnected from their bodies. They suffer with eating disorders, body image dysmorphia, and extreme ways of being in order to either look or feel a certain way. Taking such drastic measures to correct something that goes way deeper than the physical manifestations is living in on Fantasy Island. It is, in fact, a fantasy. Although alternative treatments can help and medical intervention may be necessary, the truth is always behind the scenes, deep within your soul, and will never be corrected without addressing the cause of the issues. Why did you start having gut issues? When did you start having skin flare ups? What happened when anxiety and depression took over your life? All questions that need to be addressed before going further.
Yes, get the help you need to help soothe your physical imbalances but never neglect the fact that it wasn't medical intervention that caused your problems and so on a complete spectrum of healing, it cannot fix it. You need to go to the source. Yes, the struggle is real. And it was the struggle that lead me down a painful path that I ultimately stuffed behind working in the "Health Industry." Thinking that I had the answer to my problem(s) by cleansing them away ultimately caused me years and years of more physical pain, emotional trauma as my relationship with my body deteriorated because I felt that my body had failed me, and I truly began to isolate myself. I lost so much weight because I could no longer eat the foods that kept me at an optimal weight. I could not longer participate in the activities that I loved like running and lots of weight training. I stopped engaging with my closest friends because I had developed so much anxiety. And ultimately with my immune system being so suppressed, my adrenal, hormonal, integumentary systems as well as my emotional state of being just got shot down.
It's not easy for me to write about this. The best I had done over these years was to cry it out either on the phone with a good friend or to a family member who would keep my secret. But mostly crying in secrecy. Admitting that you are in a dark space is hard because even though it's dark and lonely, it's safe. You don't have to face anything outside of your quarantine. And yet, there will always be a spark of light inside each and every one of us that wants to explode into full blown energy. If we will only let it.
Recently I have been doing so much crying. So much talking. So much reading, listening, and praying. I believe that being real and raw in our talks about what lies beneath is the key to the gate of freedom. But first, you have to understand that it lies within you. Not the you that you see in the mirror, but the real you. Grab hold of the hand that guides you and never let go. If you have health issues whether they be physical or emotional, you cannot wipe them away with a colonic or a cleanse without them coming back feverishly next time around if you do not take the steps necessary to heal on another level. For me this means that I am looking back into my life as to the what, the whys, and the hows that lead me down a very destructive path that I claimed to be a healthy way of living. I hid behind an industry that although CAN be healthy, was the wrong path for me to be and stay on.
After 25 years of having chronic issues and after 16 years of trying to "cleanse it away," I am seeing things on another level. And I am blessed to have had this experience because I now know that this way of living is not and has not been the answer all along. Again, I'm not in this save the world escapade. Just to save my world and if in any way, shape, or form this touches, moves, and inspires anyone to take a deeper look into the world you're living in and why you live there and allow yourself to suffer silently, then I am grateful.
In order for me to heal, I HAD to leave the industry that ultimately caused me more harm than good. And it's taken nearly a year to see that it was the right choice. It has taken me over 25 years to see that my health issues were of another nature other than physical---only that they manifested on the physical. And it has taken me a lifetime to see that it's all ok and that as imperfect as I may be and even with these struggles that I face daily, that I still can heal by soothing the aching soul from my past, being present from breath to breath, and letting go of suppressed and repressed emotions that have caused me to be so extreme in my ways of living.....because that's not living.
We all deserve to live in a healthy body. The way to that is to connect to the source within us that guides us to choices that serve us while letting go of the voices in our head that only lead us to temporary relief. So that is where I am at in my life now. The healing process for me beings with first acknowledging that I deserve to be healthy and taking each day, step, and breath at a time.
Thank you for reading and may you experience many blessings along your path to health and happiness.